Song of my heart

I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

THAT"S WHAT FAITH CAN DO! ~ Kutless

I love this song. It is so inspiring to me these days when I feel like I don't know what the heck God is doing. I am reminded that I have felt this way before; desperate for answers, confused, impatient, lost, anxious, weary, like God has stopped listening to me, like maybe he's on vacation or something. I pray without answers. I believe that He has great plans for me, but I just ain't seein' 'em right now. BUT THEN...

I remember past times when I felt this way. Those are the times right before He bombards me with His love and faithfulness in ways that are so much more that what I asked of Him. Those are the moments just before He makes my broken heart become brand new. This is why I remain full of hope even when the sky is falling. Because He has answered my silent prayers before. Sometimes He has even answered the prayers I dared not pray, even in silence, because He knows even the most hidden parts of my heart. He has moved mountains to make my dreams come true before. SO...

I wait in expectation of something amazingly spectacular. I wait for my God to show me, once again, that He is WAY more than I give Him credit for. I wait to be overwhelmed by the passionate, radical love my Father has for his little girl. - That's what faith can do.

Wordless Wednesday - Got Milkshake???

My other Isaac

Three weeks ago, upon finding out that the sale of our rental property was falling through and our renters are moving out, we decided to list our new home for sale. We intend to list the rental property as well and live in whichever one doesn't sell first. This has been a very up and down struggle for both Ken and I.

You see, when we built this home, we put A LOT of ourselves into it. I designed the floorplan myself to perfectly fit our family. We did much of the construction including the electrical, plumbing, flooring, cabinets, brick driveway, paint, and we just this week completed the finished walkout basement. Every detail of this house is a reminder of the year of serious labor we endured. Ken and I both have ongoing physical aches that still bother us 2 years later for the work we did on this house. But, I look out the window as I do dished, and I am greeted with the serene view of the lake and the reflections of trees bouncing off the glassy water. It somehow makes dishes seem not so bad. We love this house. Maybe too much. This is our struggle.

This house has so much of us in it that it almost feels like part of the family. I know that sounds weird, but if you have every labored and toiled to create something perhaps you know what I mean.

Somewhere along the line, it became apparent to us that God was calling us to offer up our creation. Both of us stood in defiance of this at first, but eventually agreed that indeed we should put our dream home on the market. We both felt physically ill as we signed the real estate papers. Is this ,in a small way, how Abraham felt when God asked him to let go of his precious Isaac? Is God testing us to make sure we have not made an false idol of our dwelling place? I don't know. We obey His call on our lives, though we do not understand it. We are, in a sense, offering up our Isaac (meaning our home, not to be confused with our son, Isaac).

It's a date!

We finally have a court date to finalize Eliza's adoption. On May 4th, 2010, she will officially become our daughter forever, and an American citizen. Of course, to us, she has been our daughter since we first saw her face. Now to find the perfect red white and blue outfit.

Worship at all times

"At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship" Job 1:20 - This is what Job did after finding out that all his sons and daughters had died.

I want God to fill my heart with the desire to worship him at all times. It is easy to worship in the good times. The birth or homecoming of a child, weddings, promotions, sunny spring days... But what about when things are really hard? What about when terrible things happen, and it seems impossible that any good could ever come from it? Then it is not so easy.

My instinct is to whine and shake my fist at God, to plea and bargain with Him, to attempt to rationalize and understand His plan and His timing. And that is if I turn to God at all in my desperation. Seldom in the midst of the valley do I feel compelled to fall to my knees and worship Him.

Today I pray that God would give me a heart like Job's. May I always be moved to worship my Amazing God, despite what the world is throwing at me.

I can feed myself, mommy

Eliza is getting more and more independent, and is now pretty much refusing to let me feed her. She wants to feed herself. I suppose this is a good thing, but so very very messy.

And after she feeds herself....BUBBLE BATH

Battling My Selfish Heart

For from time to time, those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need. Acts 4:35

I'm sure I'm not the only parent who is frustrated time after time by their children's selfish behavior. Our oldest consistantly tries to sell things to his little brothers, and by sell, I mean rip off; getting any of the kids to share their precious possessions is like pulling teeth. I am so frustrated until my Heavenly Father reminds me just how much the apples are not falling far from the tree. When he opens my eyes to just how much value I put in the monetary things.

I am seriously ticked off at Him, because our house deal fell through. I question Him. I try to bargain with him. Dear God, I really NEED this house to sell so I can pay off our credit cards and be a good christian steward just like Dave Ramsey says. Dear God, I would be so generous if you would just bless me financially. Dear God, Your kingdom would be so much better off if I were so much better off. I don't actually pray these things, but they are in my heart, and He knows it.

So what is my solution. I don't know, but I vow to keep seeking ways to be less selfish until I actually become less selfish. I don't want to be the adult christian woman who's attitude is really like that of a three year old who's favorite word is "Mine!". I know that the one who dies with the most toys does not win, and having the most toys has never been my desire. I do, however, have a certain standard of living that I selfishly think I'm entitled to, as much as I hate to admit it.

Whatever it is that we are unwilling to give up is what we believe we are entitled to. Is it a nice suburban home? living in a good neighborhood? annual family vacations? Nice clothes? retirement accounts? High-def televisions? an awesome cell phone? going out to eat? health care? good public schools? clean drinking water?...Shall I continue?

The truth is, we are not entitled to anything. Every single breath we breathe is a gift. It is all a gift from above. God did not promise us a life of luxury or even a life of relative comfort. He said "take up your cross and follow me". I don't know about you, but I certainly do not feel the weight of a cross bearing down on my shoulders. I do feel a burden, but it is a self inflicted burden of selfish greed. This burden of greed is the one I need Christ to take from me, then I can live a life of generosity and gratitude. This is what pleases Him, and so this should be my heart's desire.

The word of the day

Today's word of the day is INSANITY

Definition: Eating several handfulls of trailmix. Then realizing it doesn't taste good AT ALL. Then continuing to eat it in hopes of it suddenly tasting as good as I think it should.

Wordless Wednesday

Me of little faith

Yesterday I got what I considered the worst possible email from the people renting our old house and trying to buy it. The house did not pass inspection due to "apparent previous water damage". Yes, it is true that there was previous water damage. This is why we spent a lot of money on foundation repairs to make sure the house was structurally sound and dry before we moved into it 5 years ago. I seriously couldn't breathe at the thought of our renters buying a different house, leaving us with a vacant unsold house. We could really not afford both mortgages BEFORE we went into serious debt to bring home Eliza, but now, the thought sent me into a serious panic.

Why is it that I have such little faith in the all-powerful God of the universe to handle this? Why when I know that He loves me more than I can conceive? When I know that He is the One who created the sun...

...and the moon

... and amazingly beautiful landscapes that can take your breathe away...

...and make you realize just how small you really are.

AND He is the One who healed the broken hearts of these two broken people...

And blessed them beyond their greatest imagination.

Why is it that I have such little faith, when He promises to give me hope and a future, and peace that surpassed all understanding? My God is the Almighty, Omniscient, Loving, Gracious, Merciful God of the Universe, and He is also my abba father, who cares what happens to me, and loves me with the love only a perfect daddy can give. He has proven to me time after time, that He is more than capable...He is God, and with Him, ALL things are possible.

There, I feel much better now.